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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Mathematics of Strippers

After Robert A. McCormick charged up $241,000 on his corporate American Express card in a nudie bar, I decided I'd like to take the Strip Club Challenge. Of course, my company wouldn't foot the bill so this is all theoretical.

It's been a while since I've been to a peel bar and I've never been to a "high class" establishment like Scores, so I'll adjust my memory of pricing to suit this experiment.

  • 1 12 oz beer (domestic) = $10 (includes tip)
  • 1 8oz mixed drink or 4oz shot = $20 (includes tip)
  • 1 Table Dance = $25 + $25 (tip) = $50 (5 minutes / 1 girl)
  • 1 Private Dance = $50 + $50 (tip) = $100 (5 minutes / 1 girl)
  • Tips on "Pervert's Row" = $1 (that's right – we're in the money, but we remember our roots)

Given this "menu", let's assume Sir Richard, T-Nutz, Mark and I head off to see the ladies dance. What would a quarter of a million dollars get us (besides my mortgage paid in full)?

We start off with a limo from work ($500) on a Friday night right at quitting time (5:00PM). We do this because:

  1. We don't want to drive in Boston traffic
  2. We don't want to drive home drunk afterwards
  3. We need to start spending! We have $241,000 for chrissake.

We arrive at 6:00PM (Boston traffic) and immediately start. We only have until 2:00AM before close, so that's only 8 hours of nude women and drunken debauchery – what is a boy to do?

Assume 1 beer and 1 mixed drink every 15 minutes all night long. We are all professionals; please don’t try this at home. Also assume that we're generous and each one of us buys a stripper 1 beer and 1 mixed drink every 15 minutes all night long.

((($10/beer x 4 boys) + ($20/mixed drink x 4 intoxicated lads)) +
(($10/beer x 4 peelers) + ($20/mixed drink x 4 strippers))) x
32 [15 minute intervals / 8 hours] = $7,680

We mix our table and private dances alternating 1 each every 5 minutes all night long. Also, only three of us get dances at any given time allowing one of us to bequeath $1 tips along "Pervert's Row". Now we’re rolling in dough tonight, so we decide a single lady per dance is for losers and we have 5 girls for each table and/or private dance per fellow. Note that we don't consider timeouts for bathroom breaks to answer nature's call or to puke. Just assume that if any one of us goes to the bathroom for any reason, the 5 strippers accompany that guy to – you know – help out.

((($50 table dance/girl x 5 strippers) x 3 randy fellows) x
48 [5 minute intervals / 4 hours, i.e.: half the time]) +
((($100 private dance/girl x 5 exotic dancers) x 3 horny guys) x
48 [5 minute intervals / 4 hours, i.e.: the other half the time]) = $108,000

So far, that’s a $500 limo ride + $7,680 in refreshing beverages + $108,000 in personal entertainment for a running total of $116,180.

We have to buy a few rounds for all the less fortunate patrons. Actually, we don’t, but we do anyway. We the buy the 200 other guys shots every 30 minutes.

($20 shots x 200 drunken hooligans) x 16 [20 minute intervals / 8 hours] = $64,000

That leaves the 1 guy tipping singles a total of $60,820 over the 8 hours. Assuming three girls on the main stage at all times, that’s about $1 per girl every 1.5 seconds.

Granted, we could have stopped for a nice dinner along the way. We could have drank a little less. We could have been more liberal with the tipping. We could have bought highly overpriced champagne instead of beers. This is only one possible Strip Club Challenge expense sheet. We plan to try it again next weekend.

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